"My Story of Hope"

    My name is Michelle and I live in Saco.  I am completing my Bachelors in Social Work at the University of Maine and am working as an intern for The Perinatal Mental Health Alliance of Southern Maine.  My official title for the Alliance is Community Contact Coordinator.  I came to work for The Alliance after having read an article about their work in The Courier.  I was so excited to hear that there was finally a resource in York County for mothers with prenatal and/or postpartum depression and decided that I had to be a part of it!

    I have three daughters; the last two of whom I delivered at Southern Maine Medical Center in Biddeford.  I delivered my second daughter, Hope (pictured above), in August of 1994.  I suffered with depression throughout the pregnancy but I did not know I had it, nor did anyone realize what was going on.  I  appeared to have things together on the outside, but on the inside I was falling apart and I didn't know why.  After I delivered Hope, I went through a bout of the "Baby Blues" for the first week or so.  I did a lot of crying and was very emotional but I knew that these intense feelings would pass since I had experienced these same feelings after the birth of my first daughter.  The "Baby Blues" did pass within a week or two and I began to feel a bit better but I was still not doing well.  I was nursing Hope and she was having trouble holding down any milk so I was advised to stop nursing and feed her a soy formula instead.  I abruptly weaned and Hope began thriving and doing very well on the formula, but I was another story.  The abrupt weaning seemed to send me into a tail spin and the depression came on stronger than it had during the pregnancy. For me, postpartum depression expressed itself in rage and anger.  I was angry at everyone and I did not know why.  I couldn't stop crying and I had no appetite.  I hardly ate and lost too much weight.  I felt helpless and hopeless.  I went to my primary care physician who prescribed anti-psychotics but they had no effect.  I went to two different counselors.  One said that perhaps I was hypoglycemic and the second thought that I had marital issues.  The TRUTH was that neither of those was the problem.  What I had was a severe case of postpartum depression.  My primary care physician did acknowledge it but said there was nothing he could do.  I researched for support groups or professionals who knew something about what I had but I came up empty every time.

    By  December of 1994, my postpartum depression had spiraled into postpartum psychosis.  I began having manic and delusional episodes.  I had gone three nights without sleep at one point.  I was not being taken seriously and I gave up all hope.  I didn't care if I lived or died; all I knew is that I could not go on living the way I was.  On December 28, 1994 I threw myself out of a moving vehicle.  Why I did it...I still don't know.  What I do know is that it saved my life.  I broke my arm and was rushed to Brighton Medical Center where I was referred to a psychologist in Portland who was willing to see me immediately.  He was a great encouragement, as was my family.  I lived with my parents temporarily so that I could get the help and support that I needed.  I continued to see the psychologist and with counseling and medication, I was able to recover. 

    I was told that I should not have anymore children because the next postpartum episode would be even worse.  I agreed to have a tubiligation in December of 1995 but was not able to after finding out that I was pregnant three weeks before the scheduled surgery date.  I was distraught at the thought of having to go through postpartum depression again.  My marriage was finally on the mend and I was back to work and doing well.  I decided that I had no choice but to meet the challenge face on.  I switched doctors and started seeing a female ob/gyn in the area who was empathetic and willing to work with me.  She admitted that she did not have a lot of experience with postpartum depression but she had empathy and compassion and that is what I needed.  I also found a female psychiatrist who followed me throughout my pregnancy.  I had the support of my friends and family.  I delivered my third daughter, Amy, in June of 1996.  I breastfed her for about 12 weeks until I felt the depression coming on.  At that point, I stopped nursing and began taking an anti-depressant.  I was depressed but did not experience it nearly to the extent that I did in 1994.  The medicine helped and with time I was back to myself...actually better than ever!

    I tell my story so that it can encourage others who find themselves in a situation similar to mine.  In 1994, there were no support groups and no professionals in Maine who specialized in perinatal mood disorders.  The good news is that in 2007 there are support groups, books, movies, professionals and on-line chats to offer help, hope and healing!  We, at The Perinatal Mental Health Alliance of Southern Maine, adhere to the philosophy of Postpartum Support International, "YOU ARE NOT ALONE...YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME...WITH HELP, YOU WILL BE WELL!"  I know this to be true from first hand experience.  If you believe you are suffering from a perinatal mood disorder, please contact your healthcare provider as soon as possible.  There is HOPE, I recovered and you can too!

"Amanda's Story"

I never thought I would say that I am glad I suffered from Post-Partum Depression (PPD).  It may sound a little strange but because I experienced this disease, I am now able to speak out about it to create awareness in the hopes that NO woman ever has to endure what I did after the birth of my twin girls, July 2005.

The first signs…When my girls were about 2 weeks old I woke up one night for a feeding, went down to the bathroom and I had this blurring, almost kaleidoscope-like flicker in my right eye.  I thought it was just because I had just woken up and the light in the bathroom was too bright.  I was wrong. 

More signs…On the Tuesday my mother had just left to go back home to Minnesota after staying with us for the 1^st 3 weeks, I got a headache that lasted for about 3 days.  I thought it was because I was tired and a little dehydrated from breastfeeding twins.  I went to visit my dad at his house and remember being repulsed at the sight of food.  I tried to eat but couldn’t.  I went upstairs to vomit.  I tried to sleep while he watched the girls for me.  My headache was so excruciating and I was so nauseated I couldn’t.   Again, I thought it was just because I’d been trying to care for newborn twins.  I was wrong.

I called my primary care doctor that morning and the nurse told me to just try to drink water, take something for my headache and get some rest.  I tried these things and called back later that day and ‘complained’ further about the migraine, the nausea and the exhaustion.  They made an appointment for me to come in.  (I did not call my OB because I did not for a second think that any of these symptoms could be related to having just given birth.) 

I will never forget the look on my primary-care doctor’s face when I was describing to him my symptoms and increasing anxiety.  He looked at me so blankly and I just felt more crazy.  He said, “Let’s do a stool sample and we’ll draw some blood to see what’s going on.”  I had explained to him the comparable signs of anxiety my sister-in-law had experienced a few years back.  Again, the blank stare and orders for blood work.  Never a mention of PPD.  I left that day feeling like a complete wacko.  Like everyone kept telling me, I thought it was because I just had twins and wasn’t getting enough sleep. I just needed rest, food and water.   If only! 

The signs just kept coming…I couldn’t sleep because every time I tried, I was awakened by numbness in my arms; I literally could not feel my hands!  I remember trying to rest in my husband’s recliner, he was on the phone and I was trying to get his attention because I couldn’t feel my arms.  I could tell my complaints were wearing on him.  He said to me, “My body has adjusted to the lack of sleep, why hasn’t yours?”  He meant well, he was just as frustrated with me as I was with myself. 

I ended up in the ER in August because of chest pains I was having.  My family has a history of blood-clots (my aunt died when her baby was 3 weeks old so you might imagine the anxiety this situation created!) so I went to the ER where I waited 3 hours for a CT scan of my chest; I was released with NO mention of PPD after 8 hours in the ER.  Again, I felt defeated, physically sick and emotionally drained.

My husband was trying so hard to help me care for myself and care for my babies.  He would try to cook dinner for me but I simply could not eat.  I ate a total of one banana in the course of a week and could barely drink water.  I lost about 20lbs and of course, anyone who saw me said, “I can’t believe you just had twins!  You look great!”  In my mind I would sarcastically think, “Yeah, well, when you don’t eat for 2 weeks, that’s what happens!”

The dizziness, the headaches, the exhaustion, the anxiety, the chest pains, the nausea, the crying, the feelings of going crazy were taking their toll.  I honestly just thought I’d never be myself again.  Ten weeks after my daughters’ birth I had had it.  Though I had always been opposed to medication, this particular Thursday, I knew that I couldn’t go on like this.  I was talking with my psychotherapist (who I have seen for years due to other personal issues unrelated to PPD) and I told her I had had it.  I needed to do something because I knew I was losing it and felt like I was actually going crazy.  I was feeling like a horrible mother because I had to stop breastfeeding because of my severe dehydration.  I was feeling like a horrible mother because I was overtired and just felt like crap.  I needed more help than I wanted to admit. 

Finally, some relief…I was scheduled to see my OB after my therapist appointment and they had spoken prior to that appointment and discussed treatment options.  I was prescribed Paxil that day and started taking it that Friday (this was in September).  By Sunday, I actually felt ‘normal’ again!  I guess I wonder sometimes why the ER doctor, my primary doctor and my OB didn’t make more mention of PPD.  (My therapist had it on her radar; she had mentioned PPD and meds but I was so against it, she did her best to support me and my mental health through talking which helped up to a point.) I remember after I gave birth when I went in to see my OB; she said in reference to the ‘baby blues,’ “Just don’t watch any sad movies.”  I guess this was her attempt at warning me about PPD.  (FYI, my OB was amazing and still is.  I just think she didn’t know the extent of my PPD because I was involving my primary doctor.  All the more reason for broad-based awareness!)

Why do I write this?  With enormous family support, ten weeks and three doctors later, I finally was on the mend.  I know now that every single woman who is pregnant is at risk for PPD.  I was blindsided by it and wish that I didn’t experience it to the extreme that I did and that if I had some more comprehensive knowledge, I may have been treated for this disease sooner.  My hope is that no one has to suffer how I did and I believe that creating more awareness to families, all doctors, and the public in general will help keep new moms, their babies and their families healthy—both physically and mentally!

Amanda

Portland, Maine

J Proud and healthy mom to identical twins, Annika & Julia     

If you have a story of your own to share, please email it to us at info@pmhamaine.org.  We would love to hear from you!   

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Last modified: 10/01/07